My Apologies

Rethinking saying sorry as a leader

Hello Leaders,

I want to continue the

Demystifying Leadership conversation by discussing another leadership trait I see exploited in odd ways. I have recently begun changing my mind due to extensive research compelling me. As you may have guessed by the title, this concerns apologies. Legitimate, superfluous, and sympathetic apologies to be exact. I often see leadership conversations revolving around the idea of not saying sorry. I get it. I’ve said it in the context of not apologizing for uncontrolled circumstances in the superfluous category or sympathetically. And I may have been wrong.

Demystifying Leadership

Legitimate apologies are those due to the victims of wrongdoing, no matter how slight the harm done (i.e., “I’m sorry for _____, will you forgive me?”). Superfluous apologies are those that apologize for uncontrolled circumstances (i.e., “I’m sorry about the weather...”). And sympathetic apologies would be those that apologize for unfortunate circumstances (i.e., “I’m sorry about your father, son, husband, wife…etc”). Further, I could discuss poorly given apologies or insincere apologies wherein the apologizer is not actually sorry but is just trying to save face. Still, I believe the general consensus would be consistent enough not to merit discussion.

Of course, there are several factors to consider when talking about apologizing. The culture in which apologies are expressed, the positional power of the apologizing party and the victim (if there is one), or the recipient otherwise, and the gender of the apologizer, which has significant changes according to several studies.¹ These factors weigh heavily on apologies and have studies behind them. Still, from the perspective of this newsletter, we’ll assume the identity of a leader, regardless of gender, and consider the differences mainly in the types of apologies and their effects.

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

To properly begin, let’s discuss an aspect of apologies not addressed by these leadership posts, the apologizer’s impression. Now, that’s not to say these types of posts don’t mention it. Nothing could be further from the truth. No, it is the impression that apologizing makes someone look a certain way, and that is the point. However, they are stated as facts. Ironically, that may not be as close to the truth as those posts paint it to be. In the studies I have reviewed, apologizing superfluously has the most significant impact on the recipient regarding likability, empathy, and trust.² This stands in direct contrast to my previous position on the matter, and in many of those posts.

Photo by jurien huggins on Unsplash

The difficulty with self-perception is that there is little feedback for accuracy or, in this case, reality. Several studies have looked at impression management, or self-perception, and have found methods of feedback that could be successful.³ But are they being implemented in these leadership posts? The results of the previously mentioned studies show that they are not. In leadership roles, apologizing is essential.⁴ Apologies have significant effects on constituents and recipients, as previously stated.

So why are we down on apologizing? I don’t have an answer. I’ve not delved that far, nor is it a study I want to accomplish. Others can, if they wish, but I want to examine the truth. And the truth is that not apologizing is not taking advantage to create positively reinforced narratives. The question then is, if we withhold apologies, what narrative are we communicating? Likely, the inverse. We are creating negative narratives and possibly toxic workplace cultures.

AI Prompt: “toxic and self-absorbed boss yelling at employee.” Because I couldn’t find a good stock photo.

Apologies that these studies have shown to have positive effects on recipients,⁵ especially in face-to-face interactions:

-Superfluous apologies. These reinforce empathetic themes, increasing trust and likability with the apologizer. As leaders, it is not our job to be liked, but being so can create a cultures that continue in positivity, trust, and empathy. Trust is a key element of teams.⁶ This is an excellent aspect for leaders, not a bad one.

-Legitimate apologies. These again reinforce empathy. There is still work after the apology.⁷ But overall, it looks worse not to apologize, or to apologize poorly, than to apologize legitimately for the right reasons.⁸ Again, there are positive effects here and severe consequences if not followed.

-Sympathetic apologies. I confess that I have studied this category less than the others. It was referenced many times in older studies, but I did not care to reach back that far and travel down the rabbit hole. After all, this isn’t a research-intensive project for me, just an interesting one. It hit those studies about self-perception or impression management, which is interesting. Viewed sincerely, I would guess it takes face value and has a neutral reaction. Insincerely, this would likely cause an adverse reaction. That would be my hypothesis anyway.

I’m not here to change minds; however, mine was in this brief study. I am open to conversation. Perhaps even a poll could be conducted to see what people think and to do a follow-up. However, the topic of over-apologizing is fairly rampant these days. I will say Kellerman addressed this in particular, and that paper indicates a problem with over-apologizing. However, wherever I found the argument for over-apologizing, including Kellerman, it was written in conjecture, not evidence-based. In one such article, I found a false attribution to this from another author, wherein over-apologizing was referred to but not actually addressed. Tannen was the addressed article, and in the area of apologies, the only inference I could find was that men and women have different perspectives on apologizing. Men tend to view apologizing as a positional issue, and doing so can place them (in self-perception) on the down, not the up.⁹

My takeaway is that I’m sorry I haven’t apologized more. And sincerely, I’m sorry if my earlier assumptions, brazenness, and my penchant for arguing have convinced others to follow suit.

Further Notes:

After I wrote this, I heard an excellent podcast by Adam Grant on the subject of apologies and wanted to reference it here. He brings some interesting aspects to the conversation, including ideas of narcissism that are particularly interesting. The focus is primarily on what I deemed as legitimate apologies, but it is interesting nonetheless.

Not to summarize his podcast or this conversation in this way, but I’d rather be seen as empathetic, likable, and trustworthy than narcissistic, cold, and manipulative.

References:

1. Cowen, Amanda P., and Nicole Votolato Montgomery. 2020. “To Be or Not to Be Sorry? How CEO Gender Impacts the Effectiveness of Organizational Apologies.” Journal of Applied Psychology, January 1. https://research.ebsco.com/linkprocessor/plink?id=cf44e5a7-920a-3ea5-aea5-179dd8b72486.

2. Cowen et. al., 2020

Brooks, Alison Wood, Hengchen Dai, and Maurice E. Schweitzer. 2013. “I’m Sorry About the Rain! Superfluous Apologies Demonstrate Empathic Concern and Increase Trust.” Social Psychological and Personality Science 5 (4): 467–74. https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550613506122.

Kellerman, Barbara. 2006. “When Should a Leader Apologize and When Not?” Harvard Business Review 84 (4): 72–81. https://research.ebsco.com/linkprocessor/plink?id=cf9a1f91-2782-39ff-923e-cf21c0fa1db1.

3. Bozeman, D. P., and K. M. Kacmar. 1997. “A Cybernetic Model of Impression Management Processes in Organizations.” ORGANIZATIONAL BEHAVIOR AND HUMAN DECISION PROCESSES, January 1. https://research.ebsco.com/linkprocessor/plink?id=e4e7de99-c237-39ef-bdbd-45dd7b9b0089.

Leary, Mark R., and Robin M. Kowalski. 1990. “Impression Management: A Literature Review and Two-Component Model.” Psychological Bulletin 107 (1): 34–47 doi:10.1037/0033-2909.107.1.34.

4. Kellerman, 2006.

Tannen, Deborah. 1995. “The Power of Talk: Who Gets Heard and Why.” Harvard Business Review 73 (5): 138–48. https://research.ebsco.com/linkprocessor/plink?id=b9ba75e1-3378-3ea1-8e4e-babd8a1fb3a9.

5. Li, Yi, Yan Li, Haipeng (. Chen, and Jiuchang Wei. "How Verbal and Non-verbal Cues in a CEO Apology for a Corporate Crisis Affect a Firm’s Social Disapproval." Journal of Business Research 167, (2023): 114084. Accessed May 29, 2025. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jbusres.2023.114084.

6. Lencioni, Patrick M. 2002. The Five Dysfunctions of a Team: A Leadership Fable.

7. De Cremer, D., Pillutla, M. M., & Folmer, C. R. (2010). How Important Is an Apology to You? Forecasting Errors in Evaluating the Value of Apologies. Psychological Science, 22(1), 45-48. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797610391101 (Original work published 2011)

8. Kellerman, 2006, 81.

9. Tannen, 2000, 142.